DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
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(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.