Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
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Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Owl Sanctuary
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
🍞🦆
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want