My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
She: I like Cats
He:
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.