I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
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[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
True.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
This is why I hate group projects
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I beg your pardon?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.