I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*