I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
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My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.