when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
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Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects