Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
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I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
cat vs inanimate object
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.