I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
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Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.