[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
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Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
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Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
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ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
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Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
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Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
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My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
If you eat enough ice cream
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Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?