It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
What the hell happened here.
I know karate and tons of other words.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you