Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
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Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.