5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Meme Monday.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.