Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
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I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.