In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
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Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Does beer think about me too?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
May have had one breakfast too many
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.