Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
You Might Also Like
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
This pepper has seen some shit
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work