[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
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Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth