Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
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I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
real
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Become ungovernable.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you