“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
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Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS