Oh deer
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Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
The Friday File.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
mumsnet is amazing
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)