I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.