Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy đ
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i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
People that donât speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because Iâd like to try next
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Canât. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
Iâm ready to make a bingo card
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said âYou wanna dance?” I said âCan’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.â He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell âhallucinationsâ should I be worried? Itâs probably fine
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she canât text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also canât text me if she needs anything.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) đ
âur password is weakâ well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more đ©
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?