Guys, I found it.
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1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Breakfast for Stoners:
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.