the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
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People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator