Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
What the hell happened here.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling