People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
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They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.