Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
cause of death:
autopsy.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”