[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
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Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Brb my Sims are getting married
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy