I just checked Web MD and I have everything
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Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs