{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
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I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.