I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
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[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it