me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
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It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
wow he looks just like him
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence