PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
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So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I’m about to risk it all
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
i wish i could marry a nap
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”