Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured