5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
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Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.