Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
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Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Whisper out to librarians!