Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
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Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
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Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Eat…
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
You learn something every day
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.