Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
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Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Where is your GOD now????
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.