Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
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GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.