Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
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I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Never ghost your hitman.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.