I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold