My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
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I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.