waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
You Might Also Like
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!