When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
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If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Not now. I’m deglazing.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house