The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
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The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Siri: Retweet me.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
That’s easy for you to say
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.