I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?