The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
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[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!