Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
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for all #parents out there
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.