Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
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If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.