There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
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“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
barbara was highly relatable
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Try and stop me.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”